You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is to never get involved in a land war in Asia; but only slightly less well-known is this: Never get involved in a video war with the Axis of the Annoying.
Monday, July 31, 2006
Do I hear an echo... echo... echo...
We are experiencing a moment of peace, in this great video war of '06.
NOT. To stop posting means that we are "cutting and running" and we are no cowards here... we are patriotic video warriors who will not stop till our foes lay down their arms and pledge an undying oath of loyalty to us... The Axis of the Really Annoying.
Not much has been going on this week, but we at the Axis are not about to get lulled into a false sense of security. We're fully aware that our enemies could strike at any time.
Just to keep those who might wish us harm on their toes, we will now unleash another weapon. A French weapon.
[with a low-to-moderate work-safe warning for shots of semi-topless androgynous people]
We at the Axis would like to take advantage of this lull in the fighting to demonstrate our patriotism. How better to do that than with a tribute to our first president?
Fire up the Washington Rap, Mark!
[Mark]:
[with a moderate-strong work-safe warning for language and repeated discussion of a Founding Father's genitals]
Psychological warfare begins - chirps and cheeps...
All is quiet on the western front, so we will now begin our subtle efforts at psychological warfare. To prevent our enemies from attacking us with a clear head, we bring forth a song so insidiously evil that it will remain trapped in the minds of all who hear it for days to come.
The innocent may wish to cover their ears and/or take cover, as we present the horror that is:
Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep!
(In two versions, no less)
Version the first:
Version the second: [with a slight work-safe warning for occasional f-bomb droppage]
Enjoy singing that song the rest of the day, blogofascist pig-dogs!
It seems that one Mr. John Amato thinks he can enter the YouTube arms race without notice from us. By cleverly failing to link to our massive displays of video might, perhaps he is trying to fly under our radar and avoid swift and immediate destruction.
Your little plan has failed, Mr. Amato.
Mark! Cue the C&L Destructo-Beam!
[Mark]:
(Our spies report that some of you may have technical difficulties with the ifilm embed. To view the horror, click here).
Well done Mark. I suspect we won't be hearing from him again.
As for the Sadly, No! boys, they have made a misstep in launching an Urkel Rap. As part of our basic training, all members of the Axis receive immunization to bad sitcom "music". We feel such things as a mere tickle.
Observe:
Still, your antics have annoyed us, and I regret that we will have to take a brief break from our normal musical weapons. We now deploy what should act as kryptonite to the evil Mr. R.:
Oh, he's still twitching, Mark! Finish him off!
[Mark]:
That should do it.
That's all for this time, kids, but we haven't forgotten you, Mr. M. We have something special in store for you coming up. Fear us.
Play us out with another display of our aerial might, OOC!
Hmmmm… A dilemma has come upon us here at the Axis. While it’s painfully obvious that Mr. Sullivan has not yet learned his lesson, we’re also concerned at the blatant disregard for civilian life that the nefarious Gavin M. has shown in his latest maneuvers. We fear the Axis may yet be too early in its infancy to fight a war on two fronts, but both entities pose a clear threat. We are, well… torn.
Mary McGregor, can you share with the good people our feelings on this?
Well, ok. Thanks, Mary. You got the point across. Sort of.
Anyway, we have decided to proceed with a show of our YouTube might, rather than a direct assault on either party. Mark will now begin this grand parade with a demonstration of our first tactic: Confusion.
[Mark]:
Well done, Mark! Is it Indiana Jones? Is it Casablanca? Not even Peter Cetera knows!
While the infidels are disoriented, we shall hit them with our second tactic: Macho Bullshit Posturing. Here goes:
Before they can recover, we immediately move on to tactic three: Calling In Reinforcements. For this, we would like to welcome the newest member of the Axis, super internets commando OutOfContext. What say you, OOC?
[OOC: While others may bury their head in the sand when the bytes fly, OOCradio is in the sky!]
That demonstration (in Part I) of our awesome Axis powers (and Bob Denver's tongue) should have left all but the most foolhardy of belligerents shaking in their boots. What do you think, Mark?
[Mark]:
How true, how true.
Despite the horrors we have just shown, this is but a small demonstration of our capabilities. Heed our warning, Mr. Sullivan and Mr. M.! You cannot win this war! Do not force us to defend ourselves! The direst of consequences await you if you do!
(For those of you seeking safety in numbers, it is not yet too late to join us in the Axis.)
[Marita adds: See what you made Mark do? None of us wanted to be exposed to that. And yet you insist on continuing with the YouTube posts. Please. Think of the children!]
Some complete amateur called Andrew Sullivan thinks he can enter the fray with this little misfire.
Mr. Sullivan, step away from the YouTube before you hurt yourself. You have no idea what you're up against.
This is going to hurt us a lot more than it hurts you, but:
I'm sure it stings a little, but it could have been much worse. Really. You don't want to escalate this. You should just leave the YouTube to the professionals, and stick to doing... whatever it is you do.
UPDATE: Roxanne throws the always deadly Olsen Twins at the unwitting Sullivan.
UPDATE II: Sadly, No! unleashes this terrifying volley. We reluctantly accept S, N! as a temporary ally in our quest to neutralize the greater evil.
UPDATE III: Pandagon bravely rushes forth with a convincing case for why MBAs should never be left unsupervised, and Land Without Bread busts out a boy band. Surely Sullivan will not survive this onslaught!
Despite many pleas to desist, the bourgeois swine at Atrios, The Poorman Institute, and Sadly, No! have subjected their loyal commentariats to the most heinous of atrocities: an annoying video war. Not content to own the hearts and minds of their adoring readers, they pushed on in an attempt to destroy their very souls.
Share with the good people our thoughts on the hostilities, Herve:
You would think after leaving the blogosphere in smoldering ruins they would have called it a day. But no, they couldn’t let it go. The vile blogofascists just kept pushing and pushing and pushing. I think the Zuiikin English gals can express our feelings on this the best:
As a result, small but resilient factions have begun rising from the ashes, like that bird thing from that one Harry Potter movie. Content at first to leave IED-like comments in the offenders’ blogs, we have moved on to defending ourselves on our own blogs by any means necessary. By employing suicidal Englishmen, Kid Super Power, maniacally yodeling Dutchmen, incomprehensible Germans and even a rappin’ Franciscan priest, we gained the strength necessary to join forces to protect ourselves.
You may think you’re skilled at this video war, but you have other obligations, like pondering wingnuts’ fascination with their own genitalia, lulling the populace to sleep with cute kitten porn, and posting open threads. We, on the other hand, have nothing else to do. And just when you think we’ve run out of weapons, some bored Midwestern housewife or lonely teenager will supply us with more. Give in while you have the chance.
For those of you worn down by this horrible aggression, join us. You too can contribute to our righteous cause.
As for you high-traffic bullies, we hope you rot in the hell you’ve created for the rest of us.
In summation, a quick demonstration of our virtual skills:
We eagerly await the opportunity to discuss the terms of your surrender.
